I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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