Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
