All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
