if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
