her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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