Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
