hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize