So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
