you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
