If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
