So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize