He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
