I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
