Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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