She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
