"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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