Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
