sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
