I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
