I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
