I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
