Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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