hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
How does one acquire holy water?
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
