You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
