3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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