I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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