he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
