I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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