I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
It's shark week go big or go home
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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