I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
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