and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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