Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize