And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
