u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
