WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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