I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I want to walk on stilts...naked
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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