Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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