Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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