I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
