i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize