She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
