Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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