he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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