i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
