Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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