I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
