my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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