Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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