the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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