Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
