Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
You have to summon your inner elephant
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
