The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
