I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
