You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
