dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Yo dont text me then not text me
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Randomize