My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Randomize
