I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
