Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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