Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize
