But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
