Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Randomize
