My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Randomize
