I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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